A few months ago, I noticed something about myself that I didn’t like.  I noticed a very strange reaction whenever someone in my family said “I love you”. I stiffened. I cringed a little. Obviously, I was alarmed at this response and concerned for my own emotional well being.  What sort of horrible, unresolved issues could I possibly have to invoke such a response to affection from those I love? I might be sicker than I think. I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, and then when that didn’t work, I got pretty worried. After analyzing it and making some observations though, I think I’ve got it figured out.

See if you can spot the pattern too.

“I love you beautiful…you wouldn’t want to make me some popcorn, would you?”

“Mama, you’re dabestindaworld….and….can we go out to dinner?”

“I love you mama, will you make me some toast?”

“You look pretty, Mommy. Can I get on my computer?”

“That’s a nice shirt Mom. Can I go to the movies with Jenny?”

“I love you SO MUCH mama! What’s for dinner?”

Are you seeing it? My family seems to be extremely skilled in behavioral psychology and positive reinforcement, don’t they?

But here’s the deal. When the reinforcement comes before the action, then the reinforcement becomes the action, and the reinforcement becomes negative. As in, everysingleflippingtimesomeonetellsmetheyloveme, it means they WANT something. So I stiffen and cringe. Ick.

It was really hammered home for me yesterday morning when I was gingerly climbing over my four-year old to get out of bed at 5:00 am and the voice from the other side of the bed, the one who had another lovely few hours of sleep ahead of it, said “I love you baby, will you bring me my phone?” Ick.

I don’t mind doing any of these things, and I know my family loves me unconditionally. But whatever biological mechanism it is that responds to behavioral conditioning does not. What would Pavlov prescribe for this conundrum?