Sometimes I tend to get very quiet when I am dealing with personal challenges. I’ve got a lot of that going on right now.  In the last few months, a couple of people in my life have walked away from me.  I’m a hard person to love at times. I get that.  In addition to that, I’ve had to focus on my and my family’s health more intensely than has ever been necessary.  Some of it has been scary, and just so you know, it’s pretty challenging to be a supportive, giving person when you’re scared to death. 

I’ve been through it before, when my grandma was sick.  It’s a fine line between supportive and helpful and overbearing and controlling.  I don’t always do a great job of staying on the right side of that line.  I just hope the people in my life will understand my motivation and forgive me.  If they don’t, well…I’m just trying to live a truthful and genuine life.  It’s the best I can do.

So we’ll see your lost friendships, tense family relations, and health crises; and we’ll raise you crippling financial insecurity.  This is what the universe gives me. I don’t like to talk about financial stuff.  It is just a topic that is too personal to be understood by those on the outside. There’s always judgement, because no matter how lucky or unlucky a person is, there were choices made along the way. And a lucky person will always believe that their choices were inherently better than an unlucky person’s, even if those choices initially had equal value.

Knowing this has helped me be less smug about my kids’ fortunate immune systems.  Suffice it to say that we are surviving.  We are not alone in this, most of the country is in survival mode.  I am not worried about Christmas. My kids have had scarce Christmases before. I’m not worried about losing our home. So I know I’m lucky. I’ve got shelter and my family.  It’s a storm that we can weather.  I’m just saying that I’m stressed about my 1995 van that has been neglected and is now demanding a lot of attention and buckets of cash.  I’m stressed about trying to afford both my health insurance premiums AND healthy food.  I’m stressed about the people I love getting the healthcare they need. Above all, I’m scared of depression sweeping in and making me hide under my bed away from it all. I’m scared of losing ground emotionally and physically. 

That’s why I am breaking my own rules and putting this post up for maybe five people to read.  I need to get some of this toxic stuff out of my head. I need to stop internalizing it all. I need to share. I am brave, but what I’m facing is not unique to me.  Many people have survived much worse.  Hell, I’ve survived much worse.

…the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. ~ FDR